What’s the Cause of Your Loneliness?
For those of us who are lonely, I think it’s important to figure out where our loneliness comes from.
“Just get around other people so you won’t be lonely.”
How many times have you been told to be around other people to cure loneliness?
I do believe that being around other people helps with our sanity—not just living solo on our own “planet”
so we’re not hyper-focused on our stress and worries
so we are reminded a real world exists beyond our little bubble
to experience being part of society
keeping our integrity and humility in check
checking that we are living and behaving in ways which are, in general, socially-acceptable
important: use moral, ethical, truthful, honorable, responsible, mature and stable people as frames-of-reference
being accountable, personally-responsible and contributing to a mentally-healthy society by being relatively mentally-healthy ourselves
“Volunteering will get your mind off yourself—which will end your loneliness.”
How about being told that volunteering will take away your loneliness? I do agree that it’s helpful to be of-service to others as a sort of civic duty (and, if Christian, for God)—which also contributes to a healthy society and keeps our integrity and humility in-check. Being of-service can be done in many ways—even at our jobs, with family members, and practicing general common courteously and respect for people and property in public.
For those whose loneliness is relieved simply by being around other people, perhaps the cause of your loneliness is physical isolation. And you just need other people’s energy around you. This is a relatively easy fix: go in public, join groups, go to public events, etc.
Others need large groups of casual acquaintances, which is also a relatively easy fix.
“Everything you need is within you. You have no reason to feel lonely.”
Loneliness doesn’t go away for some of us by just being around people—whether it’s exposure to people, getting attention and being noticed, talking to coworkers, going to social events, or helping others. Being around other people can actually make some of us more lonely.
It took me a long time to get to the bottom of my loneliness. A big hindrance to figuring it out were all the family and cultural messages: I should be fine alone, I shouldn’t need anyone, I should be whole and complete by myself, I should find within myself what I have desired in a relationship, I’m too particular about what I want, I will never get what I want in one person, What I want doesn’t exist, etc.
As such, I felt like something was wrong with me for being lonely even when around other people. The typical social interactions and social gatherings that others seem to enjoy, or at least are entertained by, are unappealing to me. And I wondered what I needed to fix about myself since those interactions and environments didn’t meet my needs.
Further, being alone has been very lonely and unfulfilling—even though I’m an introvert; don’t need to be entertained; and always have plenty of learning, writing, organizing, life-coaching and health-oriented interests and projects to work on. This, too, made me feel like something was wrong with me for being lonely.
Ah ha! You’re actually lonely for the Expression of True Partnership. That makes perfect sense.
Finally, I just admitted to myself that I need a fulfilling, deep, meaningful, healthy partnership with another person. I have so much to give to a close, dedicated relationship—which is completely irrelevant to strangers, acquaintances or even “friendships.”
I’m talking about my applying all of my emotional and life skills and gifts to a deeply-connected, trusting, meaningful relationship—to include all of the following, which I have been eagerly waiting to give to, and to receive from, a trustworthy, genuine, honest, forthright,, mature, conscientious person:
Fully investing in the relationship; and our shared lives, lifestyles, and life goals
Integrating, incorporating, and merging together our lives, activities, relatives and social circles
Being strong allies in life:
Having each other's back
Being protective of each other, ourselves and the relationship
Defending, and standing for, each other, with and around other people
Including and especially when the other partner isn’t present
Making it known that we each have the other as priorities and considerations
Being each other’s ideal advocate and “emergency contact”
Being accountable and responsible to and with one another
Considering each other, and each other’s best interests, in each of our own choices and decisions
Sharing consistent, honest, and transparent communication
Being concerned about clarity and comprehension
Believing we can never over-communicate
Sharing same/similar standards, values, ethics, morals, beliefs, principles, expectations, and desires
Being on the same page, speaking the same language, and being attuned to each other
Having complimentary and mutually-enjoyable differences
Giving to, and receiving from, each other: affection, adoration, nurturing, respect, honor, devotion, loyalty, protection, security
Feeling at-home with one another
Collaborating and co-creating with each other in day-to-day life and for our future together
Enjoyably working together as a team
Trouble-shooting, and brainstorming together, any and all of each of our problems, issues, ideas, goals, etc.
Receiving and giving each other individualized and applicable input / feedback / empathy / compassion / safety
Based on our deeply-knowing, understanding, relating, trusting, and being accountable & responsible to and with each other
Not being able to give and receive all of the above is why I have experienced life-long loneliness. My loneliness has nothing to do with (and isn’t fixed by) getting attention, socializing, being around people in public, doing volunteer work, catching up with acquaintances, being around shallow relatives, dating, etc. And in reality, I can’t give myself the entirety of this type of relationship (yes, some of the traits, but this is not sufficient alone—much like trying to play tennis by myself).
In comparison to this type of relationship, anything else with other people is mostly just staying busy and trying to be useful—and many times feels like appeasing other people which gets exhausting and disheartening. While being of-service and meeting others where they are is necessary and good, it certainly doesn't take away the loneliness for what I desire to give to the type of partnership I desire.
My thinking something was wrong with me for wanting and needing that sort of relationship, and my fear of this sort of loneliness as a consequence of who I am and what I need, are what made me stay with toxic people and in other unfulfilling relationships.
Finally accepting what I need and want to give a relationship, plus what I want to receive—and finally recognizing that this, and only this, is the source of my life-long loneliness—has made me feel much better! That’s because accepting this is my accepting who I am to my core. It’s me validating myself!
Now my loneliness isn’t quite as painful. I am confident about who I am, what I have to give, and what I want. I am confident that I won’t again take on others’ criticisms about who I am and what I want. I am confident that I will never choose and love the wrong person again. I am confident that I will protect and hold dear my heart, my tenderness, and my sensitivities. I am confident in and trust my intuition and discernment. I am especially confident and trusting in God’s will, protection, guidance, protection and wisdom.
What is the source of your own loneliness? It might just be the key to accepting yourself.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.