Stranded and Alone
I was asked, “Do you believe you are worthy of a good life?” I thought about it for a while.
Worthiness seems irrelevant to my experience.
I have always felt like I was born into a life where I have been stranded and alone—as if I was dropped in the middle of the desert. And I have two options:
Stay in the desert, endure the misery, and do my best to survive by myself.
Use every bit of my determination and innovation to get myself out of the desert and create a fulfilling life: enjoying my environment, using my gifts, and experiencing authentic, healthy connection in partnership.
In other words, I’ve always believed it’s all on me to get myself out of the default circumstances I was born into. When I was growing up and well into adulthood, this motivated me. This kept me aiming for my dream life; pulling myself up by my bootstraps; and working hard to heal, grow and learn. I always looked forward to when I finally made it out of the figurative desert.
It’s my, and only my, problem for having the standards, needs and desires that I have. As such, it’s on me to make sure I have the relationships and environments that meet those standards, needs, and desires. This pressure and obligation has caused a lot of fear. But I used that fear to keep striving for things to be better, for me to be better, for me to do better.
It makes sense. Yet, what is the deal with my being dropped in the middle of the desert alone? I struggled for many years thinking it’s my fault for feeling stranded and alone. For decades, I tried contorting myself in order to try to fit in with, and be accepted by, my family-of-origin—which only resulted in my feeling even more alone….and even more terrified.
Sometimes the fear and loneliness of the desert made me settle for other unhealthy relationships with the hopes that others who seemed alone in the desert too would want to join forces so we could get out together—at best. Or at minimum, they would make being in the desert less miserable and alone. Only, I found that these people actually found ways to numb out and dissociate so they didn’t have to leave the desert. Those relationships brought a little relief from the fear of being so alone. But at large costs: mainly, my fighting against myself, who I am, and what I need—all of which is exactly why I have always wanted to leave the desert in the first place.
I believe I attracted and settled for unhealthy relationships almost solely due to my feeling stranded and alone in the desert and being so terrified that I don’t have what it takes to get out by myself.
At long last, I ended my final unhealthy relationship and have chosen to never settle in an unhealthy relationship again.
The price of no longer settling for less than what I need in a relationship has been significant. For the first time in my life, I have chosen to just bare the fear, sometimes even terror, of feeling stranded and alone…without my frantically looking for a way out of this experience.
During this chapter in my life, I have recognized and experienced so strongly my immense fear and panic due to my beliefs that
I don’t have what it takes to manage my life by myself
it’s inevitable that the rug will be pulled from under me at any time
I can’t handle the coinciding and terrifying anticipation of what might happen
I am sure this belief has been running my entire life; however, I had been busy pulling myself this way or that: figuratively putting out fires, trying to prove my intelligence, trying to expand my knowledge base, tolerating betrayal and dysfunction, trying to fix myself in order to make poor relationships work, trying to fix poor relationships, caring for and guiding my children, and on and on.
Now, in my being an empty-nester, in my not trying to prove anything, and in my not settling for unfulfilling relationships and situations, I have to just sit with my fears. I have no other choice. I’m burned out. I’m worn out from trying so hard. I know I’m not going to turn to yet another lost and troubled person, hoping they will help me out of the desert. I’ve been so disheartened by having spent decades trying to get out of the figurative desert, yet here I remain in this damn desert.
While going through this healing process, I have been working on surrendering to my Faith in God and to His help. Now more than ever, I know I cannot do this without supernatural Faith. My willingness to just sit with my fears, my willingness to be alone, and my casting my burdens onto God makes it so apparent that He cares for me. He continues to provide resources and helpers along the way.
As I’m willing to just experience and work through my fears, as I stop trying so hard, as I just be with myself and do the best I can with each moment in front of me, as I recognize that I really am heading towards my goals, as I trust in God to care for me and He that will help me handle whatever comes up, and as I am intentionally trying to enjoy each moment regardless of what’s going on, I’m gradually healing. Little by little, I am finally starting to move out of the desert.
My life would be very different now if I would have known to go through this process when I graduated from high school and when I was no longer physically dependent on my (very troubled) family-of-origin. (I couldn’t have known. It’s taking 35 years of emotional work—layer by layer—just to get to this root problem.)
But while we’re still alive, it’s never too late to start again.
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