Sensitive & Lonely Don’t Equate to Valuing the Good

Once upon a time, there were two girls: Annie and Shannon. Annie moved frequently and transferred schools often. Though she was quiet, she always met new friends where ever she went.

On the other hand, it didn’t matter that Shannon only went to two schools, she didn’t know how to fit in with other kids. In her homelife, she was used to being alone and entertaining herself. Connecting with, relating to and understanding others wasn’t familiar to her due to having reserved, dismissive-avoidant and emotionally-detached family members. When she got together with neighborhood kids, she just tagged along—seeing them more as fascinating novelty objects to observe rather than people to interact and collaborate with.

Every day, at lunch time, Shannon would hide out in the school restroom. It was just too painful to deal with all the kids. Sometimes she would quietly cry.

Annie had recently met a few new friends during her first week at Shannon’s school. After eating her lunch, Annie went into the restroom where she saw Shannon standing against the wall, looking at a her notebook. “Hi,” Annie said. Without looking up, Shannon quietly said, “Hi.”

There was something about Shannon that seemed so familiar to Annie and it tug at her heartstrings. So, Annie decided to stay in the restroom by Shannon, careful to not be intrusive. Annie told Shannon about her many moves and schools, and her interests. Shannon listened but didn’t make eye contact.

When the lunch bell rang, Annie wrote down her name and phone number and slipped the note on top of Shannon’s notebook and said, “See you later.”

Annie skipped lunch with her new friends the next day and went right into the restroom. Shannon was there, as Annie had hoped. She was so drawn Shannon. She figured it was because she related to Shannon’s loneliness and thought she recognized similarities in their sensitivities and quiet desire for closeness and connection. Even though Annie had friends, there was never a really deep connection amongst them—just chit chat and goofing around. She thought she sensed depth and acute awareness in Shannon’s emotional pain.

Eventually, Shannon warmed up to Annie and admitted she felt like no one understands her. They shared emotional stories and struggles.

Annie would call Shannon on the phone or go to Shannon’s house after school. It felt so good for Annie to be with someone who she related to and who seemed capable of relating to and understanding her.

One day, Annie went into the restroom to talk to Shannon as usual, but Shannon wasn’t there. She waited for about ten minutes and then went into the lunch room. At a large table full of loud, popular girls, was Shannon. She was sitting in the group with a little smirk on her face as she observed the girls laughing and carrying on.

Annie walked over to Shannon, but Shannon didn’t make eye contact. So, Annie took the hint and walked away.

After school, Annie went to Shannon’s house. “What happened, Shannon?”

Shannon smiled and said, “Wow, did you know that Sandy and Samantha live on a lake? And Sarah’s dad owns a Ferrari? And Sally won a state trophy in sports?”

Annie listened to Shannon talk about the loud, popular girls as if they were her own siblings or best friends who she was so proud of; Shannon acted as if she, herself, had these things.

“Oh, okay. That’s nice for them. I waited for you in the restroom. And then I walked up to you and you wouldn’t look at me. What happened?”

Shannon ignored the question. She said, “Oh, and Shellie won a beauty pageant!”

“That’s good, Shannon. I’m going to go.”

Shannon nonchalantly said, “Okay, bye.”

“Oh, and Shannon? I didn’t realize you were interested in the popular kids. It appears that my attention and interest in you gave you the confidence to hang around their crowd.”

Shannon was still smiling about the loud, popular girls as Annie walked out the door.

As Annie walked home, she realized that she had always been seeking out Shannon, all the while Shannon was impressed with strangers and was desperately seeking to fit in with them—or at least to have access to novelty. Perhaps that was the real source of Shannon’s discomfort and emotional pain, rather than the need for close, deep connection with someone who sees, understands and sincerely wants to be with her.

Annie learned a painful lesson.

She learned that just because…

• her heart feels connected to another’s

• she relates to that person’s emotions and experiences

• that person, like her, is also sensitive

• that person, like her, is lonely from not having a close relationship

• that person, like her, also has tender feelings

• she highly-values, even finding it sacred, having met and getting to be around and share with such a person

• she’s loyal and dedicated to that person

• she naturally desires to protect and make that person feel emotionally safe with her and cared for

• and that person will spend a significant amount of time with her…

…doesn’t mean that person appreciates and values her back.

That very same person might actually not care about integrity, sincerity, transparency, devotion, being deeply known, and deeply knowing you.

That same person might have low standards, and value superficial attention, novelty exposure, distractions and whatever else the masses deem appealing—over and above quality: deep, true, real connection with someone who sincerely sees, cherishes, relates to and understands him/her on a very authentic and meaningful level.

Annie realized Shannon was much less like her than Annie had thought—at least in the ways which are related to trust, sincerity, integrity, awareness, loyalty, security, safety, empathy, gratitude and honor. Annie wasn’t interested in casting pearls before people who didn’t appreciate and value the pearls.

“Hopefulness is also resistance to acceptance.”

- Richard Grannon

This is why I write so much about discernment and being aware of what’s really going on.

Trust there are people who do know how to sincerely love, who appreciate and cherish the good you have to give them, and who want to give it right back to you.

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.