Being Enough to Transform Someone’s Values

I used to believe that if I was being enough of what seemed to be expected of me (invisible, small, compliant, ignoring her psychological abuse, sacrificing, kowtowing/fawning, shallow, pleasant, fun, funny, etc.), my mother would eventually protect me, and love and value who I am.

I used to believe that if I was being enough of what seemed to be expected of me (tough-skinned, sacrificing, invisible, small, tip-toeing, light-hearted, compliant, ignoring my partner’s denial), my long-time ex partner would eventually want to stop knocking me down, to protect me, and would allow me to be welcomed and at peace in our home.

I used to believe that if I was being enough of what seemed to be expected of me (pleasant, affectionate, oblivious, blind, compliant, ignoring my partner’s fantasy narrative/lies/denial), my last ex-partner would eventually want to have ethics, principles, higher standards and boundaries; and be emotionally-safe, honest, forthright, faithful, loyal, trustworthy, protective of our relationship, and would choose me and our relationship.

How embarrassing and foolish of me.

I think that this is common, though, with those who had traumatic upbringings. In order to survive, an emotionally-sensitive child in a traumatic upbringing needs to believe that the fault is his/hers in order to feel like there’s something that can be done to stop the harm, and to avoid believing the people who they look up to and count on are harmful.

It took me decades to recognize this. I was so used to believing everything bad in relationships was my fault—especially and including my not being content in the relationships—and it was my job to fix it.

Ultimately, the issues with all of these people were that none of them shared my same values and that I subconsciously believed there was something I could be and do in order for them to want to change their values. But I had no idea that was what I was actually expecting because I didn’t recognize it was our values which were mismatched.

Having this knowledge and awareness has helped me so much in my healing. It’s helped me accept, stand for, and stand on my values and relationship needs. It’s helped me to not choose the wrong people. And it’s helped me to let go of those with whom I loved so much and wanted to share a close relationship.

Of course, it seems so obvious now that there’s nothing I can do or be in order for another person to desire to change his/her value system. Of course, the answer is to find people who share the same values.

Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.