When ‘Love’ Mixes with Malice
malice
the desire to harm someone; ill will
Because I was raised by people who convinced me from childhood that …
I had mental problems
dealing with me was like walking on eggshells
my intuition, perspective, experiences, feelings, and input were wrong
they were always right and not to be questioned
… I went into adulthood believing I was so flawed that I wasn’t worthy to live.
The people who raised me also trained my siblings to believe that I am essentially a rotten person and it has been encouraged (and it is even admirable) to participate, and enable each other, in shaming me, knocking me down, lying about me, smearing me and my character, stonewalling and ignoring me, excluding me, keeping information from me, and so on.
I have been their scapegoat: If I have dared to speak up and stand up for myself, I have been scolded and shut out. I have never been allowed to have a complete dialog with them. It was and is always my fault—including the problematic and even harmful things they have done and said.
I proceeded to have a couple of long-term partnerships with people who seemed to carry forward and, essentially, re-create the treatment that my family-of-origin started and continues to this day. The one who claimed to love me so much and to want to be with me always, has joined forces with my family-of-origin to contribute to their efforts in cruelty.
Love
Yet, I deeply loved and adored all of these people. Some how, some way, I loved them so very much and wanted nothing more than to be close with them, for us to deeply know each other, and for us to be involved in each other’s lives. Mind-boggling.
Desire to Learn, Heal and Grow…and Give
I believe God gave me a desire to learn, heal and grow. So, somehow, I have kept pushing forward. Eventually, in my late 30s, I started realizing that I actually was worthy enough to live. Though, I still had much healing to do. I have been doing emotional healing work for over 35 years: healing layer by layer.
God has also given me a strong intuitive sense, as well as a tender heart with which I can compassionately meet emotionally-hurting people where they are and help them build themselves back up—but only if they desire to. I am so grateful for these gifts.
Perfection is Not Required
I certainly don’t expect perfection from others nor myself. Getting upset, angry, frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed, hurt and reactive are part of being human. We ought to have the space and freedom to be flawed. However, if these things cannot be honestly discussed and worked through—with both party’s perspectives being acknowledged and understood on a deep and authentic level and both parties taking accountability for their parts—then the problem really lies in the shutting down of communication (a.k.a. stonewalling and gaslighting).
What does need to be questioned, then, are one’s morals, ethics, values and principles.
Malice
Lying, hiding and withholding information, stealing, sneaking, cheating, exploiting, manipulating, threatening, blackmailing, excluding, gossiping, backstabbing, smearing someone’s character, gaslighting, stonewalling, mobbing and ganging up on a person, triangulation, not allowing the other person’s perceptive and experience to be heard and acknowledged, not believing the truth, denying the truth, enabling and not putting a stop to abuse, and so forth, are character traits which are morally and ethically unacceptable.
Being ethically-okay with, allowing (not standing up against), and participating in, such behaviors is actively conducting intentional malice towards another individual. Those cruel, disturbing, pathological behaviors force the victim to question reality itself. Also, core shame for being oneself and living one’s own life consistently creeps in, in all facets of the victim’s life.
These are the very behaviors and character traits of the people who have caused significant harm to me and my life. It has taken immense effort to stay attuned to reality and to who I am, to continue to pull myself up by my bootstraps, to feel safe in life, and to keep going.
The harm has caused an intense sense of isolation. The concept of this type of abuse and its damage makes others very uncomfortable, and much worse, makes it difficult to be believed. To even call it abuse is stigmatized, as is trying to recover from it and to function normally in life.
All of the people who have intentionally caused me harm have been fully-aware that I haven’t had anyone consistent to lean and rely on (i.e. strong ally) besides my amazing, loving, honest adult children. Yet, the abusers join together in their gang; they support one another in doing their deeds. All of which makes the abusers’ behaviors even more malicious.
But for the Grace of God Go I
My faith in the ever-loving God, especially His mercy and grace, is the only reason I’m still here. I don’t think I could have made it this far otherwise.
When ‘Love’ Mixes with Malice
It has only been in the last week that I finally grasped something really flabbergasting. It’s as if I was just told something I should have known as a young child.
Incredibly, I finally have grasped that people can seem like they love me, or else it seems they "should" love me (in the case of family members), but the reality is that these same people have malice for me.
Had I known that when I was a young child, who knows how I would have handled that information. Instead, I opted to believe I was the one with the problem; that way, I could continue to try to fix my problem. If I knew was being raised by malicious people who were supposed to love me, that would have been too much to bare.
I finally have seen that I never did heal and change that distorted belief ingrained in me since early childhood. The painful truth is that People who say they love you, or are supposed to love you, can actually want to destroy you.
It’s no wonder I stayed with these toxic people for way too many years. It’s no wonder I kept being vulnerable and exposing private sides of myself to such people. It’s no wonder I kept trying to make things work and kept trying to improve myself in attempt to stop them from hurting me.
Enough
This is a huge breakthrough for me.
I cannot take anymore of this sort of treatment. It is evil. I have to trust God is handling it.
I have walked away from the last person who will ever do this to me, as I will never again get involved with such people. Recognizing and intentionally changing my distorted belief, mentioned above, is what will ensure that I will not. Even if the abusers continue their dirty deeds behind my back, it is not my business. They are God’s business. My business is to stay away from them and heal.
What I Need Now
The discovery of my old subconscious belief (“people who love me don’t have evil intentions”) and instead realizing the truth (“evil-intentioned, malicious-behaving people can trick you into thinking they love you”) has helped me get even clearer about what I need.
I need
to have peace, calmness, security, faith and trust
to feel safe to be myself, to make my own choices, and to live my life.
to have allies in life
who value and want my perspectives, input, opinions, feelings and ideas;
who are loyal, honest, faithful and protective of me and our relationships;
who stand up for and defend me, even when I’m not around;
who will work with me to create good things.
to have a voice: to be able to talk about the effects of what has happened to me.
to be believed about my intuition, experiences, perspective and feelings. And to not have it downplayed or glossed over.
to receive authentic, deep empathy and compassion.
to be related to.
to be supported and validated for staying away from anyone and anything which my intuition tells me to stay away from--even if I am the only one who sees and feels it.
to help others who want to be and do better.
I Believe You. I’m on Your Side.
Not being believed is perhaps the most damaging part of this sort of abuse. Please get away from such people as soon as possible for your physical and mental health, self-respect and dignity.
Please know that I have so much compassion for those who have been through psychological abuse. I pray for you and lift you up.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.