Honor Your Deal-Breakers
There are four main reasons why I didn’t honor my deal-breakers in my past crappy relationships.
my fear that I don’t have the energy and gumption to manage my life alone
the corresponding fear that the rug will be pulled form under me at any time
thus, giving me even more to have to manage by myself
my insistence of seeing potential in the other person
due to being deeply attracted to and/or deeply loving the person
and/or believing the person is confident in his/her ability to handle his/her life alone (something I’ve lacked in believing about myself)
thus, giving me some assurance that everything will be okay—life will be less terrifying with a “confident” person
my believing something is wrong with me for my needs in a relationship
thus, my being wrong for disliking and being hurt by what are actually deal-breakers for me
As a result, I ignored many deal breakers. It’s quite troubling that I didn’t respect my needs enough to get away from crappy relationships much sooner.
The following is a quote from author and speaker, Richard Grannon. Though, he is speaking to intimate relationships, I believe there are quite a few overlaps in deal-breakers with anyone who, or anything, we invest any time into—not just intimate partners.
"Do you know what you want—not in your life, not in your job, not in your friendships, but from an intimate partner? That's a very unique style of relationship. It's a very important style of relationship.
Do you know, to a nicety, what you want, what you will stand for, and what you won't stand for?
Do you know what your boundaries are? Do you know what your limits are? Do you know what your expectations are?
If that's vague and open, you're open to being abused. This is a highly narcissistic culture, and narcissistic abuse can manifest in multiple forms, from multiple personality disorders. What do we mean when we say, 'There's narcissistic abuse'? We're basically saying, 'It's not fair: one person's doing some exploiting and the other person is being exploited. The balance of the relationship isn't right. One person's having a great time; the other person's suffering.’
So what will you tolerate? What won't you tolerate? Where are your boundaries?
Your boundaries are yours--whatever they are, whatever your expectations, and drives, and whatever--they're yours.
You're not going out and demanding the world do the things you want them to do. What you're saying is if person X wants to enter your most intimate spaces, for you, this is the only way it's going to play out. This is the only way. ‘These are the things you can do. These are the things I cannot have you do. Because I'm an adult and I have to look after myself.’
That's the proper way red flags would be. If people are struggling with you, on that, like, 'Oh, I don't want to do that. That's a ridiculous boundary. Why have you got a boundary around that? Have you ever thought not having a boundary around that?' That's a red flag if somebody says this.
This is the way intimate, romantic, deep relationships need to play out for me and that's it. It's absolute. You have to respect that, and the respect goes both ways.”
- Richard Grannon
The following are deal-breakers for me. I hold accountability and responsibility for my being interested in and being involved with people who …
Have fluid and weak morals, beliefs, ethics, principles, values, standards and boundaries
moral relativity
(reference this entire list)
Bait, distract, bribe, manipulate, and/or blackmail me from looking at and addressing any of the deal-breakers on this list
—via helping me in areas where I need it the most (areas where I am lacking emotional support and concern)Mirror and mimic my needs, wants, desires, preferences, interests, values, beliefs, etc.
Say adoring and affectionate statements to me
Do helpful favors for me
Buy things for me
Spend time with me
Take me places
Allow and want my companionship
Allow me to stay with them
Accept my invites and are willing to do activities together—whatever I suggest
Allow me to communicate whatever is on my mind and whatever I’m feeling (make it feel easy to expose myself to them)
Act like they need my help and value my input
Appear vacant, zoned-out and shut-down
appear far-away and consumed in their thoughts and fantasies
dissociative
dismissive avoidant
maladaptive daydream, fantasize, and use magical thinking
intellectually lazy
including emotional EQ and personal growth
bringing all but nothing to the table
inadvertently pressure me to either do all the thinking and communication, or else try to shut down too to deal with their vacancy
Are dishonest
compartmentalize and split themselves and their lives
fooling themselves into believing that who they are in each compartment doesn’t impact who and what they are in every single compartment: their character, spirit, soul, relationships, and entire lives—their present and their future
- What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas mentality
lie
lie by omission
manipulate how others and I see them
plagiarize to impress and manipulate people
essentially steal my and others’ identities
live vicariously through others, fantasize that they are part of or with those others and have achieved what those others have achieved
- to include bragging about and being protective of those others
regurgitate what they heard elsewhere
- as if they thought of it themselves
- as if they are interested and invested in the topic
don’t site sources for the information, ideas, and behaviors they obtain, discuss, replicate and/or mimic
take things I’ve said and done (including with them), remove me from it, and claim it for their own
take things they’ve heard from and observed in others, remove the others from it, and claim it for their own with me
willing to exploit me and others
ends justify their means
Insist that they value and need x, y, and z in a relationship; but then turn on me for my expecting x, y, and z from and with them—they turn on me via their
doing the opposite of what they said they value and need
denying they are doing the opposite
ridiculing and mocking me for my having the very values and needs they claimed to have themselves
denying the truth
ridiculing me for pointing out their discrepancies in who they said they are and what they said they need
when I point out discrepancies, they tell me I’m living in the past and/or holding grudges
using my expectations of them as an excuse to lie to and hide from me
calling me controlling, too sensitive, too particular, needing too much
gossiping about me
including comments and complaints never expressed directly to me
smearing my character
cheating, bonding, and conspiring with others
including with people who have caused me harm
using private information about me, plus lying about me, as a way to get close to such people
Have their jobs and other faux communities as secret relationship substitutes
Hide their interests, desires, needs, preferences, activities from me
dishonest with themselves and with me about what they really want and really need
ensure I’m not privy to knowing their activities, frequented places, behaviors, and social circles
stop their activities, going places and interacting with specific people once I am in their life
so I’m not privy to knowing these other sides of them and so I’m not allowed to be included
Are invested in, impressed, and easily distracted by the superficial, menial and irrelevant
disinterested in learning, growing and healing
besides learning how to further pretend, fool and manipulate people into believing their false personas and images
not self-actualized
unsophisticated in thought processes and ideas
not contemplative or reflective
have very little of substance to discuss, share, contribute in discussions
lack in empathy and ability to relate
immature
toddlers with street smarts in adults’ bodies
insincere
empty shells besides their superficial secrets, games and tricks
shallow
enthralled by and obsessed with novelty
image-obsessed
enjoy others’ drama and gossip
impulsive
short attention span
need ongoing instant gratification
into quantity, not quality
addiction-prone
sometimes nihilistic
Exclude and confuse me
don’t want me to deeply know them
(reference the my other lists on hiding, confusion, dishonesty, etc.)
don’t give a full-disclosure on who they are, their lifestyle, choices and desires
change personalities, behaviors, and values based on who they are around
are stealthy, sneaky, and slippery
are vague, secretive and aloof
create a sense of cat-and-mouse game and chasing a dangling carrot
- they ensure they are never attainable
it’s like pulling teeth with them: they make it difficult and confusing to know and understand them, and to get information and the truth
avoid answering questions
feign forgetfulness, confusion, or miserable emotional pain or tantrums
- to dodge and avoid discussions and confrontation
- to make it miserable when I try to have important discussions
don’t want to deeply know me
don’t ask me sincere and genuine questions
learn just enough about me to know how to act around me, what to hide from and lie to me about, and/or what superficial statements to say and questions to ask me
critique me via superficial standards
- especially if I’m not performing in a way that soothes and distracts them from their secret, internal turmoil
- including when I want to discuss anything beyond the surface and pleasantries
speak to, respond, and react to me as if I’m someone who isn’t even me
- perhaps creating a fictitious character of me in their heads
leave out details, keep secrets from, and lie to, me
including about things that normally would be common knowledge
including topics I, myself, have been transparent and honest about
don’t tell me information they know I like to, want to, and need to know
don’t include me on decisions
don’t invite me to events
don’t consider me, my feelings, and our relationship in decisions
intimidate, harass and blame me when I say that things aren’t working out between us
state that someone is wrong with me for thinking we aren’t a match
state that they are happy with me so I’m the one with the problem
change definitions of commonly-accepted words and statements
beckon my involvement in something that is troubling them, which I in turn take seriously and invest with them, and later they…
act as if it never happened
or else they complete our discussion secretly with someone else, so I’m not longer considered and needed
leave me figuratively at the edge-of-my-seat, waiting to hear an update or conclusion, like a fool
leave a lot of holes in their stories and time unaccounted for
provide contradictory information
inadvertently reveal more and more contradictions as time goes on
Cannot relate to or understand my experiences and perspectives
act as if they have never had such struggles, concerns or issues
ridicule, mock me, and smear my character for my feelings, needs, perspectives and concerns
Act strange around others
performers in need of audiences
do reaction-seeking behaviors
appear concerned with wanting to be noticed by others
appear concerned with impressing strangers and insignificant others
via superficial behaviors and statements, voice tones, facial expressions, and other non-verbal communication
shapeshift into someone or something else depending on who is around
conform and change based on what they assume each person around them wants and likes
don’t stand on principles, values, morals, and ethics
aren’t consistent in who they appear to be
mirror and mimic others
appear mesmerized and infatuated
have facial expression like deer-in-the-headlights
voyeuristic
appear to obtain sensual pleasure by
- absorbing sights and sounds
- being noticed
- observing others
concerned about how others (audience) see them
don’t speak to, just watch, people
appear disinterested in closeness with, or acknowledgement of, loved ones when others are around
are oblivious to my presence and existence
expose very little about themselves
their seeming to be blank slates almost forces others to fill in the gaps of information for themselves
- (it’s common for others to assume the best in people and/or to assume people have the same values)
- as such, others can all but turn them into whomever the others want them to be
so people don’t have “anything on them” to reject and/or to discover their true colors
appear as innocent, naive, and harmless to have around or to include
- maybe even being perceived as their needing to be rescued or pitied
Do not set boundaries with others
freely share personal information with strangers and acquaintances, but not with me
allow others to made decisions for them
their lap always open: being open and available for others to approach them, etc.
are willing to have inappropriate interactions
somehow, recruit enablers / flying monkeys who support or participate in their schemes and covering-up for them
behind my back, befriend and/or cheat with others
including with my own associates, relatives, friends
Do not stand up for, defend and protect me and the relationship
make me feel like I’m always competing with others for their love, attention, loyalty, devotion, security and safety
willing to throw me under the bus
make me fend for myself with people who are inaccessible, unreachable, physically stronger, intimidating, or otherwise intending harm
including with their own relatives or associates
including my needing to protect myself from them
Hide me away
aren’t proud or honored to be together with me when other people are around
act like they don’t know me or aren’t with me
don’t let me meet the people who they interact with
don’t bring me up in interactions
they act like they don’t have anyone (me) to consider and who cares about them
they act like they don’t have anyone (me) to confide in, to spend time with, to talk to them, and to collaborate with them in decisions, etc.
they act like they don’t have someone (me) who does with and wants to do with them the very activities they tell others about doing
Make concerning and disturbing statements only to me, in private
inadvertently exposing their very dark thoughts and ideas
trigger my own shame for being with such people
thus, guaranteeing my silence and not exposing them
make me question myself as to if I really heard what I thought I did
force me to either try to ignore what they said or else uproot my life and leave
threaten or blackmail me
- if I decide to leave
- if I talk about their discrepancies and hurtful behaviors (i.e. expose to them what’s behind their false self masks)
What are your deal-breakers? I hope you save yourself much misery via honoring your relationship needs and what you have to give, and honoring your deal-breakers.
Do you need coaching? Please contact me. I’d love to help you.